THUMP!THUMP!THUMP! Footsteps coming down the hallway...

[oldfart]

ARRRGHHH! I work nightshift...so I head for bed about 2p.m. on Sunday..right? I sleep from 2p.m. until the alarm goes off at 9p.m. to begin my shift. Sooo...I'm sleeping quite soundly until roughy 6p.m. and then I hear it. THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! Footsteps coming down the hallway..headed right for my bedroom! Now, mind ye...I sleep puddy sound. But any sound I'm not used to wakes me right up! The furnace makes a funny sound? I'm awake! I hear water running? I'm awake! The answering machine kicks on....I'm awake! Anyways....I kin hear footsteps running down the hallway. My first thought is..."Somebody is in here that doesn't belong here!" "Did I lock the front door?" Now, if the neighbors are mowing their yard or butchering hogs...I sleep right thru it. That's just normal noise. This was not normal! I am...ON HIGH ALERT! We've never had a problem with burglars or other mis-creatins in this area..but it pays to be alert...and well armed. My first response is to reach for my sidearms and make sure the flashlight is working....reach under the bed and snatch up that ole double-barreled shotgun and meet the foe head on! More to come..of course. Audie...aging Rambo....

[oldfart]

So..there I was. Rudley awakened by an intruder..no idea of their intentions nor fire-power. Generally speaking I find the best defense in any situation is a forceful offense. Never show fear..even if yer filling yer Depends with an enourmous load of..offense. I launched from the bed..sweating profusley..and with epitaths that the spell-checker won't allow. Mind ye...I'm packing serious heat..a pistol in both hands...my thong underwear tied about my forehead "Rambo-style" with a 100000000 candlepower power flashlight clenched in my teeth that would blind most mere mortal men!! Nekkid I might add. Not a puddy sight. 250lb. old geezer.....53 yrs. old. Screaming at the top of his lungs. Well..ya'll git the visuals of all this. Anyways...it was a potatoe. HUH? A potatoe. Yeah....that furfless female feral feline that I've been harboring ripped open a bag of taters and found the biggest one she could find. Then proceded to whack it down the hallway...THUMP!THUMP!THUMP! ..right to my bedroom door. One more post........Audie..trembling in fear...

[oldfart]

Well folks nuthin' much says it like blazing a million candlepower flashlight in a pair of beady eyeballs...crouched over a potatoe. I was relieved. Jaysus..was I relieved..had to take a shower and toss out my drawers after this encounter!! I may not have/need another bowel movement for the next 30 days! Chubbie is fine. A bit disconcerted..but fine. Now, do I still think being well-armed and prepared is smart? Yes..I think it should be a requirement of citizenship in the U.S.A. As a matter of fact it IS a requirement of citizenship. Audie..the Oldfart...

[Yanita]

LOL, Audie,

I can certainly sympathize. I and my Hubby where awaken the other night...

We awoke to the sound of breaking glass, lots of it...and a big thud...

Hubby gets up and grabs his robe as he is headed down the hall in darkness, I am still in the master bedroom with the gun, hmmm, don't you think he should of had it with him?

The only sound I heard was him saying ooohhh sh@*..I holler and he does not answer..I holler to him again...no answer. Ok, I head down the hall, BUT, I turned on the light, gun pointed to the other end of the hall. I can't see my Hubby

As I slowly venture down the hall, I still hear nothing and see no one. As I enter the dining room, I see the end of his bathrobe and one one foot...OOOOHHH GOD, what happened?

ROFLMAO, he was bent over trying to pick up large shards of glass...seems we have those wurfless cats also. We have 4 cats, to over weight American short hairs and 2 Javanese. Seems the all must of been chasing each other up and down this cat tree and it gave way in the center...the top section going right thru the glass of a vintage hutch! Yup, even busted some of my Great grandmothers china.

Gotta love those miserable cats...

Oh, and the side arms are now equally divided, one on his side and one on mine.

Yanita

[Greg]

I'll stick with my dogs, when they get up in the middle of the night you know it. 200 pounds of barking dogs make a lot of noise!! Greg

[savannahjules]

Attack of.... the killer potatoe..... Now that's stuck in my head along with the Rambo style image.

[DigitalDreams]

Can't say I have any idea where your coming from ,as I sleep so sound I once slept through a 6.9 Richter earthquake. So I just rely on the fact , as a old friend of my dad's once said (Once they see me under a street light or any light that they will take me back). Besides anyone stupid enough to rob the poor, needs it worse than me so let them have it.Besides being eccentric usually means you don't own anything that anyone else really wants anyway.

[Barb P]

Hehehe, as mom to 3 wurfless cats, first thing that popped into my head as I started reading that, was I bet it's Audie's kitty, doing something only a cat would do.
I remember well, mine barrelling down the hallway, like a herd of elephants.

[oldfart]

Well Folks....Chub and I have come to some aggreement after that disaster. She has larned that when I say.."Time to go to bed!" she follows me down the hallway. Must be quite a comical sight..this obese kitten waddeling down the hall behind my ample girth. I have to help her into bed as she cain't quite make the jump from the floor. Then she snuggles up under my chin and purrs with such an outragous sound..! Rrrrrrrr......! Mind ye..it's only temporary... and I've warned her as such, many times! Harrumph! I have rules! Each member of this house pulls their weight or vacates the premises. No slackers allowed! If I see a single mouse or any evidence thereof.....I'll chuck her out into the snow! Audie..The Oldfart.